Journal Entry for 12/30/2021
ADHD is why I eat until I throw up. Time blindness. Chasing dopamine
So today. I found this tiktok about htis man talking about how if you want things to get done, you have to leave. There was something that is called body doubling that they say helps with getting things done, but if you aren’t trying to doo the thing,then dip. Okay so I showed that to a friend. And then I showed him the reasoning.
Ima play the video back to make sure I get all the points. https://vm.tiktok.com/TTPd6Xkoyg/ here’s the link if you would like to run it back.
But essentially he said
I don’t want your basic ass input
We don’t give a fuck about how YOU think our progress is going
The door is unlocked but not open to suggestions
We like showing the creation not the behind the scenes
So from that he got “that’s why I tell you that you are doing a good job so you keep going”
NOOOOOOOOO
Just no. Lol Just no. But okay.
The other day he made a comment about how I have my living space set up. I said “I would move it more if I could” what was stopping me… judgement of how others would view it. But it makes sense to me so I am going to do it.
Fuck your judgement.
Today I hooked up my Arteck keyboard instead of the Apple one and I must say it does feel nice. I kind of like the feeling of the extra clackity buttons. I know that is not an always thing so I like having the other and the keyboard on the screen. I do like the size of this one better though. I wish it had a Stan dot hold the mini but it will do for today. It is doing better than the big Apple one. That could also be because of the way I am sittting. This balances on my leg quite well
I am obsessed with this vision board and mood board movement. I made one last night
Today I am going to see about setting up payment plans for my debts and do a little budget work. After my little stent of that I am going to see about finding my credit card…which has to be in my house somewhere..so I can actually start uploading this content.
I know you are able to monetize and do all the SEO whatnot, which I will do, but more so for the actual essays and articles Ima be writing. Like about how Object Permanence isn’t just with items. It is with feelings as well. And about how I get more responses back from business customers when I say my name is Kim on a voicemail vs when I say KeiAuna. Or how I can say KeiAuna multiple times have on an name tag and still get called Keisha… and we are even going to get into how good the book Hood Feminism is and all the things.
I have a great feeling about this. I love to write. I just have to make sure I post it. 2022 is going to be a good year.
Blogging and selling my shirts. I have 3 shirt ideas and that will be what it is. yay. I have a simple yet great plan.
Time to make it do what it do.
Journal Entry from 12/29/2021
I am actually typing this on my work computer. That may be what i need to do when I first clock in to be able to get this done
I am trying to find a wy to make more money without getting a second w2 job.
Today is going to be a great day I woke up before my alarm. Thats how I always know that it a good sign.
I have had a realization that I am very open to discuss and help…more so than others. I used to think it was me that had the issue with communication, but I don’t.. I have no problem being completely transparent. Others do. Wheter that be with emotions, or every day feelings, people always try to curate themselves tp a sotuation. Based on how they think will make the best thing happen. I know tnat I am not in control so I say whateer. It is frustrating because I get gaslit out of great conversations that could really solve something.
I have ADHD if I feel any sense of discomfort I will just mirror the energy in the room. If that causes you to change you behavior, that means you don’t like your own behaviors.
I can legit say I am matching your energy. THis is my form of masking to save myself
I also have accepted the fact that I don’t have codepency issues. I am very self suffient. My issue is that I am so self sufficeint that I can literally have a whole extra something in my environment and still thrive. It does slow me down, but I do not loso who i am even though I am accomdating to everything.
I still know me
Little boop #71: speaking is hard
>I’m starting to think that I may be a little bit nonverbal in the sense of I can’t say things. But that could be just in my head. <I wrote all of my notes so I will be able to begin recording. I did it in a bullet point fashion so I was able to continue to talk afterwards. I ran through what I was going to say in my head about 5-10 times. Then I sat everything down and pressed record. I looked at the paper and said everything in less than two minutes. Bullet points did not work at all. I stumbled over my words. I recorded four times over and it no where near everything I had said in my head. When I played it back everything made since, but it was very choppy. What I learned is that I will have to write a full on script. I am still going to post it as my first post because I think it is a good representation of my process.
>Moral of the story: From here on out I will be writing the post first and using the posts as my script so I can actually say what I want to say. The whole channel is about me, so it will be fine. The posts will only get better.
Little boop #33: I forgot that I cared
Object Permanence isn’t just with items. It is with feelings as well.
little boop #20: stuck
. I can completely explain task paralysis. I can not do anything until this event. I have been up since about 5:30. I have done absolutely nothing, but click through my emails. I open my time clock every 3 minutes. The event isn’t until 2:30…Originally. I just got a message moving it to 5:15. Now, I feel confident enough to do things. Now that I have 5 hours. Probably still won’t do too much. I have already downloaded WebEx and the Camera is ready.
Little Boop #19: Pinned Name
My name is pinned in my messages. I need to be able to get to myself quickly. How else am I going to be able to text myself so I can have things to look back at. Most of these little boops are texts that I sent to myself.
Little boop #15: help me
I bought a planner filled it in and haven’t looked at it since. Oops
Little boop #14: girl dinner
Last night I cooked a whole meal and bought wine and just ate popcorn for dinner. Shaking my head.
What is ADHD?
After a few sessions of therapy I was told to go get tested. The results didn’t take long long to get back. I was diagnosed with ADHD combined type and they wanted to do further testing for anxiety and depression. I did the further testing, and the results showed social anxiety. Depression was job induced and I no longer work at that job. From that moment on I went on a deep dive to get an understanding. ADHD stands for Attention Deficit Hypertension Disorder. There is three major types you can be catorgerized as when being tested. Those types re impulsive/hyperactive, inattentive/distractibility and combined. The testing for ADHD is geared toward children. The myth is that is more common in boys. Some studies say that girls go up to 75% undiagnosed/misdiagnosed. Now what we are seeing is these same women taking in their children to get tested, and finding out that ADHD is hereditary. Learning as an adult that the obstacles for themselves were a little bit different from the majority. This information is what prompted me to start the blog. If it is that limited for adults, and even more limited for women, you can only imagine the lack of information there’s for black women. When you search ADHD, you get a list of symptoms. That is probably the easiest way to identify, but it does not break down the why. ADHD comes from having regulatory issues in the brain. Some doctors says that it is because there is more gray matter in the brain. Others say that there is something going on with the amygdala. However you want to look at it, the commonality is dopamine. We are chasing the dopamine. Let’s get into some of the symptoms. -involuntary focus -emotional regulation -managing action -stress intolerance -lack of working memory Executive functioning is one of the main areas that most of the symptoms revolve around. As I continue to learn more, I will keep telling you all.
Little boop #5: no mask zone
Yesterday, I decided I was not going to mask. I took my wig off every single time I wanted to. I sang when I wanted. I danced. I did it all. It was great. I had a good ole day.
Little boop #1: A Bad Body Double will Slow You Down
So today, I found this TikTok of this person talking about how if you want things to get done, you have to leave the crowd you are around most times. There is something that is called body doubling that they say helps with getting things done, but if you aren’t trying to do the thing, then dip.
What I got from the post:
I don’t want your basic ass input
We don’t give a fuck about how YOU think our progress is going
The door is unlocked but not open to suggestions. If you aren’t doing the same thing as me or been on the journey, hush.